Beyond Repair
by Persephone Choiseul
Summary: After War. Heero's confession drives Duo away from him and soon Heero realizes that their relationship, of friends or even of acquaintances, is beyond repair. Heero POV. Lots of Angst. Lack of Happy ending. Anti-Valentine's fic. Language warning! R&R!


Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing.

A/N: This is my anti-valentine's gift to everyone!! Why do I despise Valentine's Day? Coz noone ever gives me roses. Booooo

This is a One-shot. It's open ended, sorta. So feel free to make your own conclusions about what happens next. XD

Warning: Duo Bastardization... kind of. I always wanted to write a bastardization. And some bad language.

Have fun! There's tons of angst ahead and not a happy ending!

Beyond Repair

Posted on Feb. 14th 2008

"I love you." I hadn't meant to say those words. I had just been sitting there, waiting for him to come back one late night and when he entered, his wet bangs plastered to his forehead, the chestnut braid heavy with rainwater and his soaked shirt plastered to his chest… I just said it.

I've been in love with him for a while. For a long time… maybe ever since I first saw him on the dock and I stole the parts to his Gundam. Maybe even then… but I hadn't known.

"What?" His eyes widened at my confession but I wouldn't dare repeat it again. I stood up, crossing my arms over my chest maybe protecting myself physically from the rejection that was bound to come. "You're joking right?" He asked me twisting his braid to wring out the water.

This was my out! Tell him it was joke that failed because I am so bad at joking… he'll buy it. He should buy it… I can take this escape, I can get away with it, there was still a chance that everything wasn't destroyed because I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

But I couldn't. I had said it and I was unable to take it back. I looked away, unable to see the refusal in his eyes and stayed quiet.

_Just say no! Just say it and get it over with!_

He was gay. I knew that. I had seen him go out with guys… I had seen him flirt with them and comment on their looks. So maybe… maybe he won't refuse me?

I heard him turn around and head to his room, slamming the door close. I flinched at the loud bang. I suppose… that was a rejection… wasn't it?

After that day… something cracked. Something just wasn't right anymore. I tried to act normally around him and I suppose he acted normally around me too. Just a little quieter than normal. But he was talking to me. He hadn't shunned me, ostracized me and left me alone. He was still there, having breakfast with me, watching TV with me, going to lunch with me at work.

Just a little quieter.

I could deal with that. I could pretend everything was fine and that day hadn't actually happened.

But it was hard. Specially when he smiled at me, I saw that it was fake. I saw that when he threw his arm over my shoulder that it was tense. I saw that when he spoke to me he spoke as an acquaintance and not as a friend. I saw that… that he stopped joking around me.

He still laughed. He laughed with Trowa, with Wufei, with Quatre… he laughed with the lady at the water cooler, the guy at the gym, the man who chopped vegetables at the Preventeer's cafeteria.

But he never laughed with me.

Slowly, he stopped talking to me too. I saw him try. I saw him open his mouth several times before closing it abruptly and leaving. Then, I started pulling away. I figured, he laughs more when I'm not around, his eyes sparkle when I'm not there and he speaks freely, openly. I'm only causing him pain.

It scared me, how easy it was to get separated from him. I just told him one morning that I'll go to work myself. He said okay and didn't ask why. Then, the next morning he didn't even bother asking me again.

I told him I'd already had lunch when he asked me to go with him. He knew I hadn't eaten but he shrugged and said 'whatever'. He didn't ask me again.

I told him to go on home without me. And he did.

At home, I stayed in my room and he never asked me to come out. I stopped making him dinner and he very easily started eating outside. He never asked me if I had eaten. I didn't bother initiating a conversation.

Then one day, he came home late. Very late. I stood in the doorway to my room, worried about him. I figured that the moment I caught a glimpse of him from my room I'll close the door and he won't have to bother himself with me.

I saw him enter, smiling widely and I felt my heart soar with the knowledge that he was happy again. I began to step back into the room when I saw him pull someone else in with him. A man… I knew him from one of the new rookie agents. He was holding his hand and laughing, hugging him and… kissing… him…

I felt my heart tear and I felt frozen in the doorway when Duo's eyes met mine. He couldn't be so callous. He couldn't bring a guy home when I was… I was here… and he knew how I felt for him… he couldn't be so callous… could he?

I closed the door behind me, making sure my anger and sadness did not make me slam the door. I did it calmly, quietly locking it with a small click and I headed to my bed, crawling under the covers and swallowing fast to keep any traitorous tears at bay.

I spent that night on my side, covering my ears and trying to muffle out the moans and groans coming from the room next to mine.

Something had broken. And it was beyond repair.

I finally figured out what it was that made him turn away from me. I was scarred. Badly. Probably most scarred among all of us pilots. I just didn't have the ability to heal without scarring. Every small scratch, every cut, every injury left a mark and now I had a criss-cross of silvery lines etched into my back, across my stomach, large burn marks from when I had self destructed left white patches on my darker skin.

I was hideous. Duo deserved better. No wonder… no wonder he turned away from me so fast. The thought of me as a lover disgusted him… and I understood.

So I covered myself up. I tried to act normal to him again hoping that if he couldn't see my scars then he wouldn't think about them and so he'll be my friend again.

I said good morning to him. He stared at me surprised at the first words that had been spoken between us in months. Strange isn't it? We live in the same apartment and we hadn't said two words to each other in ages.

He didn't answer me back. But I figured it was because I had surprised him. He was my first friend, my only friend… and I didn't want to lose him because of my stupidity.

I tried to talk to him but he continued to stay silent. He would start chatting animatedly as soon as someone else came into the room, but he would quieten the moment we were left alone.

I asked him questions to try and get him to say _anything_ to me. He grunted, which was not even close to an answer to my question.

The longer he ignored my attempts, the weaker my attempts got. Eventually I stopped. I just stopped bothering. I stopped wondering and I stopped hoping.

I stopped trying to repair what had broken.

Six months, nine days and sixteen hours after I had confessed to him. I walked up to him, as he watched the evening news, and asked, "Why can't we be friends?" I needed to know. I had to. When he stared silently at me I rephrased my question. "Can we still be friends?"

He didn't answer me. He resumed watching TV, the light from the screen flickering across his face. I swallowed around the thick lump in my throat and went to my room. Locking the door quietly, I sat at my desk. The room was dark and I liked it that way. At least then I didn't have to look at my scarred figure in the mirror.

Then one day I was sitting in my office working on a report when Duo came into the room and slammed the door closed. He looked at me with such anger and… hatred… that I… I just…

"I'm getting really fucking tired of this." He snarled at me and I saw that my hands were trembling. I pulled them under the table so he wouldn't see how he affected me. "Stop acting like such a goddamned victim all the time! I can't go _anywhere_ without people asking me what is wrong with you!"

I tried to mould my face into the blank stony expression that used to come naturally to me. But even though I tried, it didn't work. I even attempted it methodically… to relax all my facial muscles into complete blankness… I still felt like I was frowning and my lips were pursed tightly together.

"I'm sorry." I said to him and got up. I started packing up my things and he just stood in the middle of the room seething. It was too early to leave for home… where I lived was not home anymore… It was too early to leave from work but I couldn't stay. I couldn't. I played with the idea of telling him I was going back to the apartment… but then I realized that he didn't care. He had returned to his desk and resumed working, actively ignoring me as though I didn't even exist at this end of the room.

I was glad that as I packed the trembling in my hand was minimal. I could disguise it easily with quick movements. Within a minute I was packed and leaving the office, going down the stairs and heading out the door into the freezing cold.

When I got back to the apartment, I saw how much I didn't like coming back _home_. Somehow, ever since I had uttered those three little words six months ago, our friendship had died. Just like that.

I looked around one last time around my home for the last eight years. My home with Duo. It felt strange and unfamiliar now… unwelcome now.

I quickly wrote him an email and sent it. I knew he won't check his personal email during work hours so I had time.

I packed up everything. I stripped my room bare. I left nothing in there that said that I had ever lived there. I even made the bed with crisp white sheets. If Duo wanted to get a new roommate, this room was ready.

I picked up my duffel bag that contained everything I wanted to have with me. Everything else that I didn't need or want I had disposed of. Slipping the strap of my laptop bag over my head I let my hand caress the smooth surface of the familiar desk. I had spent many days and many nights sitting here, typing up reports and reading books. I glanced once at the white sheets covering the bed. It felt strange, leaving such familiarity behind. It felt as though leaving these things was just as painful as it was leaving Duo. But it had to be done.

I closed the door behind myself with a finality. I won't be coming back. Ever.

I locked the front door behind me and went downstairs. I had no idea where to go or what I was going to do next. But I knew one thing. I was not going to stay.

I slipped my keys to the apartment into our mailbox and then headed out. A snow storm was coming.

_I'm sorry Duo._

_I'm leaving. I won't come back. Goodbye._

Something broke. It was beyond repair. It was beyond attempts. It was beyond salvaging. Something died. And it was too late.

End.

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A/N: Heh... yeah... don't kill me!! I like happy endings too but this one was just BEGGING for a not happy ending. 

Hope you liked!  
Until next time,  
Persephone


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